Upward Climb.

So, it's been 19 days since my last post. I think that's actually quite indicative of how I've spent my time. I haven't been practicing at all, and I've been getting by on pure luck.

My friend Sarah had one of those lessons yesterday. You know, one of THOSE lessons. The kind where you don't sing at all, but are told to straighten up and take more responsibility by your teacher. If I hadn't canceled my lesson yesterday, I know I would have had the same.

I'm terrified. I'm terrified that, at my jury, they are going to decide that they never should have admitted me and kick me out. I developed this notion that I was some sort of "pity admit" and that I had "potential," but maybe no promise. Sarah thinks this is dumb. And it probably is. The worst part is that I've let the fear get to me, and it's caused me to avoid the very reason I'm here. My classes are currently working out in a way that means I have TONS of free time. That should mean that I have more time to practice, but it's ended up that I have more time to watch TV.

Yesterday, Sarah and I made a pact. We both have 4 songs memorized and need to learn and memorize 4 more in the next week. It's doable. She comes over every Thursday for Grey's and Project Runway, so we decided that if we don't have all 8 songs learned and memorized before next Thursday, the 29th, we can't watch Grey's and we're not allowed to drink wine. I'm a creature of habit, so not having my weekly Grey's fix is a bigger deal to me than I'd really like to admit. So this is good. We've got motivation.

I spent an hour in the practice room today. I hit a point where I just put my head on the piano and cried. F#5 and up are just...HARD for me to sing. I constantly have to fight the feeling that I have no business singing up there. A5 is just hopeless, it seems. B5 a miracle. But I did a few more warmups and continued. By the end of the hour, I had memorized half of a song that I'd never looked at before. As long as I'm not looking at the notes, I can sing them. I swear singing is 70% emotional.

So here's to actually doing what I'm supposed to and being more responsible. Maybe they would kick me out at semester if I didn't show appropriate progress, but I have the power to prevent that from happening.

Scary Skills.

I just had to write this here because only the people who read this would find this funny.

So, know the Ottman sight-singing books? I'm assuming Butler still uses them. Anyway, during Contemporary Rhythms review, my theory prof told us that, in the old Ottman edition, the last chapter was labeled "Complex Rhythms with Difficult Melodies." Apparently those were the actual TERMS they used to use. He said students used to basically cry when they saw that title. CAN YOU IMAGINE?! hahaha Yay for music theorists realizing that they were terrorizing poor college sophomores.

And now...yay weekend!

I knew there would be days like this.

So, I have a coaching tomorrow and will rehearse with my accompanist. I always dread Fridays.

Yes, one of those days. When you feel like the most contribution you can make to your art is to bang your head against the wall repeatedly and groan. And then get a job delivering pizzas. As it turns out, it's not inspiring to be surrounded by superior artists. It's discouraging and humiliating. No matter how much I try to be inspired, it's like there's no button in me that I can push so I can think, "Wow, what a great sound. I can do that!" It's discouraging to hear a freshman boy sing better than most of the boys in your undergrad career, and know that he'll only get better and get ALL the jobs he wants.

Sometimes it feels like a lost cause. How many times do I need to have practicing coloratura explained to me? How many times do I need to be reminded to sing ON the voice, to keep a low larynx, to expand my rib cage? How many times do I need to be told that I have a choir voice or a voice for blending? Apparently a lot.

I can take this, I know I can. I always manage to muster some strength. But I'm already seriously doubting myself. I think the thing that really keeps me going is that this is what I feel I must do with my life. I want this, and sometimes I feel like I'm so close. I want this enough to come from behind, round the outside, and manage to go nose-to-nose from some of the best of my age (shut up, I'm from Kentuckiana). I can't let myself fall back now.

But there's so. much. more. to. learn.