Upward Climb.

So, it's been 19 days since my last post. I think that's actually quite indicative of how I've spent my time. I haven't been practicing at all, and I've been getting by on pure luck.

My friend Sarah had one of those lessons yesterday. You know, one of THOSE lessons. The kind where you don't sing at all, but are told to straighten up and take more responsibility by your teacher. If I hadn't canceled my lesson yesterday, I know I would have had the same.

I'm terrified. I'm terrified that, at my jury, they are going to decide that they never should have admitted me and kick me out. I developed this notion that I was some sort of "pity admit" and that I had "potential," but maybe no promise. Sarah thinks this is dumb. And it probably is. The worst part is that I've let the fear get to me, and it's caused me to avoid the very reason I'm here. My classes are currently working out in a way that means I have TONS of free time. That should mean that I have more time to practice, but it's ended up that I have more time to watch TV.

Yesterday, Sarah and I made a pact. We both have 4 songs memorized and need to learn and memorize 4 more in the next week. It's doable. She comes over every Thursday for Grey's and Project Runway, so we decided that if we don't have all 8 songs learned and memorized before next Thursday, the 29th, we can't watch Grey's and we're not allowed to drink wine. I'm a creature of habit, so not having my weekly Grey's fix is a bigger deal to me than I'd really like to admit. So this is good. We've got motivation.

I spent an hour in the practice room today. I hit a point where I just put my head on the piano and cried. F#5 and up are just...HARD for me to sing. I constantly have to fight the feeling that I have no business singing up there. A5 is just hopeless, it seems. B5 a miracle. But I did a few more warmups and continued. By the end of the hour, I had memorized half of a song that I'd never looked at before. As long as I'm not looking at the notes, I can sing them. I swear singing is 70% emotional.

So here's to actually doing what I'm supposed to and being more responsible. Maybe they would kick me out at semester if I didn't show appropriate progress, but I have the power to prevent that from happening.