Upward Climb.

So, it's been 19 days since my last post. I think that's actually quite indicative of how I've spent my time. I haven't been practicing at all, and I've been getting by on pure luck.

My friend Sarah had one of those lessons yesterday. You know, one of THOSE lessons. The kind where you don't sing at all, but are told to straighten up and take more responsibility by your teacher. If I hadn't canceled my lesson yesterday, I know I would have had the same.

I'm terrified. I'm terrified that, at my jury, they are going to decide that they never should have admitted me and kick me out. I developed this notion that I was some sort of "pity admit" and that I had "potential," but maybe no promise. Sarah thinks this is dumb. And it probably is. The worst part is that I've let the fear get to me, and it's caused me to avoid the very reason I'm here. My classes are currently working out in a way that means I have TONS of free time. That should mean that I have more time to practice, but it's ended up that I have more time to watch TV.

Yesterday, Sarah and I made a pact. We both have 4 songs memorized and need to learn and memorize 4 more in the next week. It's doable. She comes over every Thursday for Grey's and Project Runway, so we decided that if we don't have all 8 songs learned and memorized before next Thursday, the 29th, we can't watch Grey's and we're not allowed to drink wine. I'm a creature of habit, so not having my weekly Grey's fix is a bigger deal to me than I'd really like to admit. So this is good. We've got motivation.

I spent an hour in the practice room today. I hit a point where I just put my head on the piano and cried. F#5 and up are just...HARD for me to sing. I constantly have to fight the feeling that I have no business singing up there. A5 is just hopeless, it seems. B5 a miracle. But I did a few more warmups and continued. By the end of the hour, I had memorized half of a song that I'd never looked at before. As long as I'm not looking at the notes, I can sing them. I swear singing is 70% emotional.

So here's to actually doing what I'm supposed to and being more responsible. Maybe they would kick me out at semester if I didn't show appropriate progress, but I have the power to prevent that from happening.

Scary Skills.

I just had to write this here because only the people who read this would find this funny.

So, know the Ottman sight-singing books? I'm assuming Butler still uses them. Anyway, during Contemporary Rhythms review, my theory prof told us that, in the old Ottman edition, the last chapter was labeled "Complex Rhythms with Difficult Melodies." Apparently those were the actual TERMS they used to use. He said students used to basically cry when they saw that title. CAN YOU IMAGINE?! hahaha Yay for music theorists realizing that they were terrorizing poor college sophomores.

And now...yay weekend!

I knew there would be days like this.

So, I have a coaching tomorrow and will rehearse with my accompanist. I always dread Fridays.

Yes, one of those days. When you feel like the most contribution you can make to your art is to bang your head against the wall repeatedly and groan. And then get a job delivering pizzas. As it turns out, it's not inspiring to be surrounded by superior artists. It's discouraging and humiliating. No matter how much I try to be inspired, it's like there's no button in me that I can push so I can think, "Wow, what a great sound. I can do that!" It's discouraging to hear a freshman boy sing better than most of the boys in your undergrad career, and know that he'll only get better and get ALL the jobs he wants.

Sometimes it feels like a lost cause. How many times do I need to have practicing coloratura explained to me? How many times do I need to be reminded to sing ON the voice, to keep a low larynx, to expand my rib cage? How many times do I need to be told that I have a choir voice or a voice for blending? Apparently a lot.

I can take this, I know I can. I always manage to muster some strength. But I'm already seriously doubting myself. I think the thing that really keeps me going is that this is what I feel I must do with my life. I want this, and sometimes I feel like I'm so close. I want this enough to come from behind, round the outside, and manage to go nose-to-nose from some of the best of my age (shut up, I'm from Kentuckiana). I can't let myself fall back now.

But there's so. much. more. to. learn.

Rehearsing like an instrumentalist.

I think that my first tearful lesson in my graduate experience deserves a post as a reaction. I was basically unprepared to sing "Una voce poco fa," even the passages that I had rehearsed over and over. They were tears of frustration only, as Virginia is basically a master at saying what you need to hear without being unkind.

The problem is that I was approaching this sort of legendary aria with the intent of learning it in two weeks. I've listened to it about a gagillion times in the past three years or so because I like it so much, so I thought I had a head start. I guess I did aurally, but I just did not think about the task of establishing any kind of muscle memory or consistency. My obstacles are several-fold, and go far beyond learning the notes and rhythms. Here are a couple.

My voice is unwieldy. I don't sing with any sort of consistency yet, and have somehow picked up the habit of learning and practicing a piece in half-voice and in an un-engaged sort of way. Then, when it comes time to sing full out, all of my practicing has been for naught. My muscles remember the other way, not the way I'm suddenly asking them to behave. I'm slowly but surely moving away from this method, though it's difficult. I'll admit that part of this is practice room anxiety. I got over it at Butler, but I'm back to being intimidated by everyone from other singers to the ever-present string players (who only come out to eat, pee, and go to class).

Another is something I was totally unaware of when I got here, and it seems most others were, too. My voice has an ample amount of overtones. No one could have even begun to suspect that until the end of my sophomore year, and we still didn't really have an accurate idea. Some of the things Virginia has been doing with me has been producing some really lovely, interesting sounds that have surprised both of us. She calls it squillante, which I'd never heard before. Basically, my voice has a clearer, more forward and almost nasal tone than had ever been accessed before. And this is GREAT. I have something unique! Now if I can just learn how to use it.

But mostly, she reminded me of my instrumentalist roots. It's interesting that voice teachers automatically assume that I think differently than other singers because I have a very solid instrumental background. I sometimes wonder if they're right about that. Anyway, Virginia pointed out (and my accompanist concurred) that instrumentalists approach learning a piece in a very different way than vocalists to. Singers get a piece, practice it for a few weeks, and if they don't get it they give up. A pianist will, for example, spend hours in a practice room repeating the same passage, and they'll do it again and again for weeks. Virginia assured me that it can take years to truly learn an aria like this. She told me of one aria that she remembers practicing at the piano with her first child in her lap. She performed that aria for the first time when that child was 18 years old.

So, essentially I was crying because I have unrealistic expectations for myself. I knew grad school was going to be harder and that more was going to be expected of me, but in this case my expectations exceeded what was reasonable. I guess I'd rather do that than the other way around.

Casting fail.

Well, I have my first issue to post about! Auditions for Il re pastore were on Saturday. It turns out that the auditions also determined casting for the two opera scenes shows we're doing in October and December. The cast list for all three was posted today, and I was not cast for a single blessed thing. I was crushed. Even people who didn't audition got cast! I spent most of the morning and afternoon moping and wondering why I'm here.

Then my teacher, Virginia, pulled me aside before class. She told me that she was very happy with my audition on Saturday and thought that I showed real progress in being able to prepare it. She also said that she's glad I wasn't cast in anything, because now I have so much more time (6 hours a week!) to really work on all the new things I'm learning right now. She reminded me that I'm learning a LOT of new things very quickly and am being asked to immediately incorporate them.

And you know what? She's right. One of the biggest things I've had to adjust to since getting to grad school is that more is expected of me. I'm having some trouble keeping up with those expectations, so why load a bunch of responsibilities on me now? It would be better to spend a solid semester on technique and figuring out what the heck my fach is than to spend it doing all that PLUS learning how to learn a role, PLUS actually learning and performing the role. It wasn't so hard to see the silver lining this time around.

So I'll spend my time working on coloratura and keeping a stable larynx instead of learning tons of recitative. I think I'm okay with that.

First post!

Hi, all. I intend for this blog to be a sort of documentation of my singing experiences. I needed a space to get into the more technical aspect of my graduate vocal studies, and I thought it only meant sense to share it. Maybe no one will follow this, maybe many will. I have no idea at this point, but I will start posting regularly and see where it goes.

-c